There was a book I read as a kid, called "Dogs Don't Tell Jokes" by Louis Sacher. I spent a good amount of time standing in front of my cousins' bookshelf looking for new worlds to disappear into. Obviously internet and video games wasn't as available yet. Anyways, in that aforementioned book, there was a passage where the main character tells his friend (and possibly love interest as far as pre-pubescent romances go) that if she wants something to not happen, you day dream about it. If the airplane you're about to board seems frightening, then imagine the plane crashing in a fiery burning mess. Now, at first glance it sounds horrifying to daydream about your airplane spiraling down into the unknown abyss. However the explanation was the daydreams don't come true, no matter how much you imagine it. Everyone daydreams about being a star, winning the lottery, getting that dream career... of course there are those few who actually realize their daydreams through sheer luck or even through blood, sweat and tears. That passage in the book really struck a chord with me, and though it is a complete work of fiction by a single individual, I somehow held on to that idea. In a way, it's basically setting the bars extremely low for things to come. I remember when I wasn't getting into school, I tried my best to imagine the absolute worst everytime I opened the mailbox, hoping for that terrible news of rejection in hopes that my daydream be crushed with that glowing white light of the acceptance letter. Of course, it never worked and I remember being quite crushed by it. I've been through worse things, but with every new rejection letters I got to be absolutely jaded by it. Looking back on it, it was almost funny really.

Now, if I can apply that to personal rejections with such grace, I would be absolutely untouchable.

Frankly, I was aiming absolutely low. You were right honestly. Going after comfort rather than something exciting and new. I have enough of that at school though. Everyday is a new challenge and it's exhausting. I don't want another new world to be open. I want to be com.for.ta.ble. I imagined a lot of different ways it could've gone. There was a lot of time diverted into this during little down times I had throughout the day. Honestly those time should've spent better..

I'm not saying I regret it.. well, maybe a little. That was 3 years of, whatever it was, completely down the drain. This is why I set the boundaries of never dating friends. I value my connections and am pretty upset about the loss. But.. it's probably that I'm the only one.. do the friends, once bridges are burnt, ever even spare a thought for me? and WHY DO I CARE ABOUT IT? We're all insignificantly small in this world and while there will be mourning of lost individuals, does my existence make any real impact in anyone else's life? Partially I wish it would, just because it feeds my ego.

It's weird to be completely in love with myself in some ways, having all that pride in others, and be so insecure and feeling inadequate in another. It's wholly normal too- no one is ever flawless. I know my flaws and weaknesses. They're mine. I've embraced it and accepted it. However, why do I obsessively focus on this one.. small.. thing in life? Okay, it seems I'm trying to really patronizing which.. this isn't. The problem lies within me, and well, to a certain degree, on the subject on hand but the point is... This is an issue I can't seem to have a black and white view on. No solution at the end of the manual. No logic.

Just a dull, grey spot on my life, at the moment.

I'm aware that the emptiness in my life where I want to shove a relationship into can't be solved just by having one. Shit, if anything it'll probably fuck up my life more than it already is. Am I even ready or willing to put in the effort? Who knows? I can't even take care of my little self right now.

All the generic solution to this is to love yourself, be okay being alone and have confidence. I suppose I already do but then there is the shoulder devil constant jabbing into my brain to emphasize that maybe I am not indeed pretty, or smart, or even just worthy as I thought I was. Why do the words from my lame puberty days and insignificant betrayals cut so deeply? I even know I dodged a nasty bullet with THE asshole, but being replaced by someone who honestly is subpar is a blow. Sincere thanks to my friends who constantly try to make me believe that I am much better than the dudes I fall for.. but really, if I'm being rejected by someone who's not to my level, what is that REALLY saying. If anything, the common denominator has always been me...

Well.. at this point, what's been done is done.. and I will take your advice.

fuck you :P