linkin park has been on non-stop repeat for the past couple days.

chester bennington is dead, and for the first time in my life i cried over a celebrity's death.

who in my age group have not rely on LP's music in their time of angsty, misunderstood teenage years? hard to find any who didn't sit in the dark with volume on high thinking life is SO hard. granted years later i would laugh along while singing the songs ironically, but truth be told i related too much with each angry song.

i HAD my demons, and i think i'm more or less out of the endless loop of self hate and deprecation, but the news of a complete stranger's suicide sits so heavily on my mind.

i've lost two dear friends to suicide in the past 10 years. TWO. not just acquaintances, but friends i spent YEARS with. i still feel sick knowing i didn't take their red flags seriously and despite knowing that no one is actually at fault for their decision to take their own lives, survivor's guilt is strong at times.

things are going well in my life after all the a "crap" has passed on, but was it truly bad? can i sit here and say i've had it bad, and be a selfish first world citizen for a bit? i claw through the debris of my past and cling onto small niches of dissatisfaction just to pretend my life isn't good, when clearly things are fine - i'm happy, ecstatic even. yes, i have pieces missing but it's born out of competition and the fear that i'm not part of the popular crowd of people who are living their life in "ideal" time line.

of course i am owner of my own emotions and don't have to justify every single incidents of anger, rage, depression... nor should i be of other's either.. it's just that.. i'm losing outlets. who can i talk to of these thoughts but myself? my day planner is taking the brunt of my crazy mind but sometimes even that's not enough..

tying it back to my initial thought train though.. suicide is awful, depression sucks, and i will really really miss linkin park as they were..