maybe it was another coincidence.  

mind you, it's not a happy ending tho. it never was is.. 

it was boredom that made me finally watch Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind, and i sat there reliving all that shitty moments from last year and yearning for the ability for selective amnesia, a plot driving force of the movie. would be all good; living in bliss, where the past won't resurface to show you exactly what you're missing. 

i missed the last 5 minutes of the movie unloading the laundry. then i hastily left the house after some.. text exchanges. i haven't gone back to watch the last 5 minutes, but the internet tells me it's more or less a hopeful ending... 

despite everything i said tonight, there's still a lot more i didn't say. i know i know, i shouldn't internalize, but seriously, what would've it accomplish? you get an insight to my messed up feelings? for fuck's sake you already know. i don't need to reiterate obvious shit. I ALREADY know. i knew from the beginning it wasn't a good decision to follow through, and things were laid bare for me to know. just because intimacy was there and maybe chemistry, but the truth is, it.. wasn't going to end well. i've been saying that for days, months, even!

point is... i'm not even sure why i'm disappointed. i braced for this exact scenario, manned up and came out unscathed. doesn't mean it hurts any less i suppose. i have imagined a completely different outcome in which i do end up happy.. but it is too unrealistic. even to me that future seems silly. i obviously don't fit the bill in terms of looks or interests.. i don't even know how we're deemed friends in the first place. where the fuck did the chemistry even come from ( i may be imagining this too)? the tension? why was that even there??? 

the frustration of it all may never fully subside. 

and i can't be the altruist that everyone believes me to be... though tonight shows again that this habit will not die so damn easily.. 

even if i was selfish and acted in the way that'd been my advantage.. yeah, that shit never happens. 

do or do not, never try. 

i did. and it wasn't enough. 

sorry, i just need some space.