having confidence in my abilities and body image are empty words supplied to lift the ego for a short while. it's not that i don't love myself; another empty words, but i'm not exactly thrilled to be ME right now. in my head, i know that happiness and confidence is ultimately my responsibility to create, and there isn't anyone who can magically make it better.. not that there is anyone out there who makes it their mission to make me happy, unlike other lucky recipients of affections.

a lot of my issues are straight up first world problems, and i know this.. but knowing and feeling has always been disconnected for me. the brain understands, but the heart is forever wandering. 

many people have it worse, and i am forever grateful to be in the position that i am; i have a loving and supportive (ish) family, company of amazing people as friends, a roof over my head and a warm bed, food to eat, fortunate to attend a renown school and to work for respectable professors in the field i want a career in... the list goes on. i am not disabled or am i disfigured- far from it. i don't hate the way i am, just nitpicky and envious as everyone else is of other people. improvements can be made, but i'm lazy to fix the problems long term. 

i should learn to trust others as they trust me, be comfortable in friendships and such.. but i can't foresee it changing soon. others feel comfortable around enough to spill their words and lean their physical form on me, but when it's my turn to do the same, i am overwhelmed with.. guilt? what is it exactly i don't know. people are too comfortable around me, and that in turn.. makes me feel uncomfortable. fall asleep next to me without a care, but i'll be wide eyed for hours until i will myself to run away from the situation. 

thing is, people are attracted to the positive vibe, and i do try to exude it on the outside. ultimately though i feel as if i'm not being true to my real emotions and feelings, and thus another layer of shell is created. the perpetual loop of uncertainty in my being is just like how i am at bouldering; i know if i reach for the next rock i can hoist myself higher on the route. however, the ability for me to trust my own self, that my hands will hold me enough to find the right footing, the balance, to ensure that i won't plummet to rock bottom, is still lacking. 

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i've been having a lot of serendipitous epiphany in the most unlikely sources.. love line with dr drew and psycho mike (thanks late night drives), humans of new york, spotify discover weekly, even facebook posts.. but a lot more of them are painful revelations too. even now, pachuca sunrise (minus the bear) is on spotify from a random playlist. reminders of the past are fading but things constantly pop up, messing with my head. associations are hard to break..