he's dating someone new.

he lied.

absolutely lied, and didn't even have the decency to say it to my face...

that's it. i'm done.

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ever since i found his blog, about how he's dating and is in love with someone else, i've drank half bottle of soju, and talked to steph for an hour.

i will be absolutely frank as much as i can because 1. no one reads this 2. i will look back on this later and laugh.

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it sill still take some time for me to get over him. this is the truth. i was falling... in  for him. i won't say the word because that will be a knife to my heart. it sucks. i really did like him, and i really was beginning to believe again. sex did play a huge part in it. feeling so wanted, desired... that's intoxicating. it could've been infatuation, but at this point in my life, i knew what that entails, and i believed my feelings that it was actually l... no. i still won't say it.

if i was to sit in front of a therapist right now, and they ask me how i'm feeling...

i feel absolutely betrayed. he said he had feelings for me. he said he didn't want this to be a fling, and that he wanted to stay in california. and i believed him. maybe he was telling me the truth. he did have feelings for me, but at the moment, with me being so attached he got scared and ran off... and while that happened he found someone else.

and that hurts like a bitch.

of course it does.

this is the second time i've been betrayed.

all i want for me is to find someone who's for me only, will only want me, and want to only have sex with me, and literally desire me and covet me.

i was stupid to believe that it was him who could be the one. steph says i dodged the bullet.. but this new chick.. right now i envy her like crazy. he lied to me to be with her probably. and he went out of his way to lie to me to be with her. she must be crazy amazing, compared to me.

which is stupid.

this is why i can't get a grip on myself.

i know i'm awesome. however, convincing a guy to think that way, at least the guys that i am into to believe that i am awesome is so damn difficult.

he loves her.

he barely said he liked me.

we dated 5 months. broken up for 3 months.

when did this happen? was he sleeping with her while he was still with me? why did he even bother show me to his friends? is he rebounding? wait, rebound only happens if he was into me. was he really into me, or play me?

i still hate living in LA, even though it's for the better of my future. i wish i lived back in DB.. because maybe it could've helped in staying with him. i also hate it because i'm so far away from steph. i can't just rush to her when i'm in trouble like right now, and it sucks. as i said to her, she's the only thing stable in my life.


all this said and done... nothing will change. he's still with her, and my life with go on. he'll never give me the closure i want, and probably never will. i need to make sure that i'm ok with it. one. last. contact. and... hopefully that is it.

alcohol is a bitch.

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ok, so i went a little crazy.. and i apologize whole heartily. you don't really care for it, but i wasn't lying when i said i was falling for you. i know you're dating someone that you.. love. i was upset since i believed you when you said you had feelings for me, or that you didn't want this to be a fling... you can say i'm dumb to have believed you. i'll be fine, in time.

i just wished you had been truthful with me. i'm a big girl and i could've handled it if you told me you had someone else in mind. what hurt me most is that you possibly lied to me. i've been living as a shell of myself because i thought i lost something that was rightfully mine.

at this point you think i'm fucking crazy, and you're laughing about it with your new girlfriend. i'll get over it.

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this. still. fucking. hurts.

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this has never been so damn relevant.