big leap forward

changed the blog URL for easier association i guess. little things here and there contributed to the choice..

i had an amazing birthday weekend. went out to dave and buster's for the first time with lab people and it was really fun. got presents and cards i didn't expect. i've spent a long time trying to be invisible and being disappointed when people didn't notice me. it's a very flawed mindset. this time i actually went out of my way to say it, that hey! i'm here. i exist. i'm being selfish because i can. as they say lately,

treat yo self. 

and i did. went to din tai fung with siblings in beautiful glendale americana. never been, and never knew it existed. reminds me a great deal of the grove. even the layout is exactly the same. the steam punk elevator was the biggest highlight for me though. emailed taiko friends in LA and grace for dinner too. i'm glad they were able to come out and just hang out and such..

i'm still picking at little things about how i also ended up doing hondaya when that jerkface apparently went to the one in rowland not too long ago. too many little coincidences and similarities. this will bug me for a long time.

i still wake up with a bit of that dull ache in my chest. the human stress response is a fascinating yet terrible thing. thinking logically i know that the hormones being produced by my stress organs are affecting my brain and body into having these painful reactions, and that i'm recovering from an addiction.

that still doesn't make it any easier to cope.

my mind is the worst, replaying everything in my sleep in never ending loop, going far as to even add things i can't ever have.. drinking probably exacerbated that a lot. i'm gonna cut myself a little slack since it was my birthday, but knocking back to back shots of soju out of pure distress is a no-no.

i feel much better being out with friends than to be alone at any given time. i'm extremely glad that i have many people who care about me. it could've been worse; i could be utterly alone in this despair with no support at all. instead, i have friends and family from all walk of life who don't judge me for being weak.

this is a big thank you to everyone who's ever put up with me :)

i think next week, i will go see a therapist. my family seem to have such huge taboo against seeing one.  so damn korean. i will be the first to admit that i have issues with handling my emotions and i need help. at least i'll try to do it without medication, and i haven't cut in years. i know i have trouble expressing myself in times of trouble, and i'm not about to try religion. mother mary has never been of my aid, and words of wisdom isn't enough. let it be isn't as easily done.

 i will continue to try being more positive again. i don't like harboring this negative aura with me. it's heavy, and a burden.