It's an awful realization that I'm starting the new year with a death of a good friend.. I'm wracked with guilt on knowing I haven't been a good friend and I had reached out far too late when I knew things haven't been good for her lately...

I always contemplated suicide as the quick way out when things are going bad and messed with SH in the past, but having lost two very close friends in that manner in the last 5 years... I can't even begin to understand what was going through their minds. And these were friends I looked up to! Bright, driven, independent, accomplished.. brilliant. I always thought they'd pull through and would be at the top of the world. I thought they'd be around forever...

The things that mess with my emotions seem much more shallow.

I'm about to interview with a dream school for a great career, my family love me, I never had to seriously worry about a place to live, food to eat.. and my social life. Hah. I have a best friend of 15+ years who will always be there for me no matter what, people from college dorm days who will always be my best girls even when dealing with the loss of one, and taiko has given me more people I can lean on than I may ever need. And right now I'm still making tons of other friends, who actually like me despite me shying away from new friendship due to trust issues..

Friendship matters a lot to me. I am picky about the people I decide to trust and love, and end up being way too loyal to them. This leads to me being overly disappointed when I'm betrayed or ghosted. All that emotion and effort on maintaining a relationship takes a toll when all I want to do is be alone for most part. However, in delectable irony, I hate being alone when I AM alone and that's when I turn to friends.. and I'm losing them to depression.

Fwb wants to maintain friendship with me while he dates, yet to me it feels like he's trying to be vindicated from being a "dick" and I'm playing into his hand. Greedy as fuck. Yet I haven't decided whether or not I actually want to trust him and allow this to happen. Of course I have to work out my one sided issues. I mean, I was essentially using him to fill the void T left. It's not to say I didn't fuck it up either. I can never seem to get things working in romantic relationships, but I guess I'm better as friends than anything else at all.