i think i must have opened a new post a dozen times, and ended up closing it after staring at the blank space for hours..

granted, it's been hectic. work at the lab has piled up while i took a break.. during winter break, and despite only taking four classes i am up to my eyeballs in readings and presentations. not to mention there were two weeks back to back of lab meeting presentations with mere couple of days of short notice to prepare for. it wouldn't be an exaggeration to say it was a nightmare... that has yet to end because i still have two more papers to read and prepare for a class on friday, and an unfinished report. whatever, this is how graduate school is. i just wished to have less responsibility in the lab. the need for undergrad slave assistant in extremely dire. but.. new kids mean more time set aside for training and teaching. there goes more free time to burn i guess. we are also getting a new visiting scholar. oh joy. we've been fortunately in getting rather pleasant people in the lab, so i hope the trend continues.

it worries me sometimes when i keep having these 10+ hours work/school days, and whether or not i can keep up the stamina without having to rely on bad habits. i keep binge eating junk food (because i could afford to a while) but it's starting to bite back again. could be the holiday weights, but i'd rather not take chance. time to lay off the pity ice cream haha.

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singer Origa has passed away, which led me to listening Inner Universe again in tribute. Rise is good too, but i've always been some what attached to Inner Universe ever since i caught the showing of Ghost in the Shell on TV back in the days. I remember being drawn to the show, but lost interest because M was a fan of it.. and haven't picked it up out of spite. despite the circumstances, i loved the opening song, and luckily it didn't get associated in bad memories and thoughts. but for M.. it's been years. i thought i'd never get back out of that funk... but i did eventually.. but now i'm back in that bad place, and... here's where i keep losing my words.

for the past couple of weeks, i've been having really bad mood swings and being rather hormonal. i blamed it on my cycle, but i've been out of for couple days and i'm still in this weird downtrodden state. i want to lay out my thoughts in words, but somehow it's not coming out. even this morning, i felt to out of it i almost felt suicidal. i've hit a new low. i was glad that this time around i was doing good, but i guess it still has ways to mess me up the same damn way it did nearly 10 years ago. lame.

i still don't know what i want to say really. truth? i miss T.

a lot.

yes, still.

however, the goal is to make sure that i don't allow this to drag on for years.

i regret letting myself be found. it was dumb, and now i have no access anywhere. was that so necessary though? what have i done wrong? thousand times i ask this question and i rarely get an answer.

as per the recent article i read.. i am envious of those "gwyneth's," the girls, even with their faults, seem so put together when i always feel so inadequate. everytime i realize this i become insecure even on the good days.

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i wonder if my incessant need for physical comfort and connection stem from prolonged separating from my own family during the developmental period in my life. i should probably get a professional's assessment on this matter.. but it does make me wonder if i'm trying to compensate for familiar love from outsiders because i've been lacking it.. and have no idea how to rebuild the burned bridges with my family.

i am more fucked up than i ever realize. haaha..