i don't know why i'm having particularly bad night. the day was good; got a good result at work, lots of goofing around and some venting, and really looking forward to going to six flags with the siblings.

of course, i spent this entire week being an idiot and re-activating okc out of morbid curiosity. he's still on there, and still active. what does that mean? and the city is still within my vicinity... what is he looking for? i'm trying so desperately to not seem crazy, clingy, or whatever it is that makes the "crazy ex". i figure if anything i can try to initiate contact on okc since i won't feel bad deleting my profile again. i know i won't be able to date again for awhile; i'm too hung up on him and it's not fair for either me or the next partner. i think it's also because many of my friends are beginning to find their happiness with their partners. 2 proposals in the span of 2 weeks, 2 wedding invitation on my whiteboard.. with each one it's another knife in my heart. even the six flags outing.. i was intending to make it date, and now it's just a family outing.

even music is against me; listening to the 90's playlist on spotify and it plays Save Tonight be Eagle-Eye Cherry. it's down to the last word my case.. to a point where cindy pointed it out. fuck. it's physically unbearable.

and now i'm listening to more songs like that.

ma.so.chi.sm.

i started writing the message i'd send to him on okc on my phone. i'm extremely torn; he gave up on me for his career. i understand that.. i do. distance is terrible, and i know i need physical contact or else i turn into a monster. i know all of this.. so why did it have to be this way? why would fate give me someone i could fall for and snatch him away so quickly? i had a great chance, a bird in my hand.

i'm just.. really exhausted from being down. i need it to stop, but i wonder if i'm my own saboteur.