waves

my emotions rise and fall, less chaotic as it did years before but nonetheless it's creating a noticeable wave of disturbance all around me.

i.. had a lot to write here just merely hours ago. i woke up this morning feeling generally miserable. why shouldn't i? i've just been dumped. by someone whom i was beginning to fall for. it's not a good feeling.

original intentions were to write the list of questions i could possibly ask the subject of my misery at the moment, if the occasion would ever arise. pathetic? maybe. desperate? grotesque display of my "feelings".

i had some talks to the girls in lab today, just to figure out how the fuck i should deal with this. i wasn't lying when i said i have.. or should it be had, very strong feelings for T, and if left to grow, may be developed to love. maybe. i have this tendency to mistake infatuation and lust of something apparently so damn magical. i won't lie and say i feel like i've been played. T was insistent on moving faster than i had intended. you have a long enough of dry spell, you kinda forget to abide by your own rules though. so, sex first and think later.

good job, tk.
you're a fucking dumbass.

i did marvel at my ability to sort of detach emotions from sleeping with T the first time, but as time goes on, the craving gets a bit more strong, and the supposed detached emotions all of a sudden manifest itself in its monstrous glory to a point of no return.

i should've noticed the red flag of a dude who's last intimacy was only couple of months before it was with me, not to mention it was with his ex. red flag red flag red flag. rebound alert? should i have trusted him to his words?

so he doesn't want to even ATTEMPT long distance. WHY. why not? not worth it? what, i don't seem like i'd be up for it? maybe. i do value physical intimacy as a priority in my relationships. yes, he's going some butt fucking no where. i would've starved myself to save up plane tickets if it meant to go see him for couple of days.... ideally. knowing me, i would've been clingy and the one to break it off if it did happen. however, it doesn't help the fact he didn't even fucking try.

and that phone call. WHAT the fuck. cold, formal, nothing like the guy i was falling for.

good bye? going our separate ways? i hope you're just as miserable as i am, right now.

talking to steph helped to vent my frustration, and i defend him like i was the problem. i... know he tried, but it doesn't help that he did a shitty job of making it a "clean break" as he said he wanted. only saying what he wants to say and trying to get me to agree and hang up?

talking to susan, surprisingly, kinda gave me the push to say maybe it's ok the way it is right now. neither of us asked for this. it would've been great if it worked out, indubitably. however, i know what i want in life, and i'd try harder than to give myself into a job i'd be miserable in.

i offered. i'd scour my connection until i get him a position he'd be happy with.. and he chose to pursue his career, to which I understand... given the position I'd have done the same..

i do want the closure.. but what good does it do?

also, why on earth would YOU block me on facebook??? YOU dumped ME. how does this work???? >:/


... god I sound so damn angry.