The outside air feels much more refreshing than the stifling temperature of my room, and hence i'm finally taking advantage of the little balcony space outside my room. the sun's already down, and there isn't much light besides the one from my room, and the eye killing glow from my laptop. skipped dinner with sister and aunt since i felt like it'd be a waste of money when food still feels like sandpaper in my mouth. funny since i've partaken a bunch of food outings with coworkers just to forget about shit.. still, going to ayce korean bbq when you can't eat much is such a waste of money. however, alcohol is still an option to apparently. sister had bought a new type of 막걸리 that is grapefruit flavored. thank you for taking your time and money to support your 언니 on her misery, my dear. much appreciated

i'm back to my college weight hah. actually it's getting close to pre-college weight now. well, there is always the bright side to depression like that. maybe it's a great thing i'm not an emotional eater, but instead the completely opposite. it's not healthy way of seeing it, but i'm trying to find the silver lining anywhere i can. 

i've wasted all day doing absolutely nothing but watch dumb tv, and cry over sappy happy movies. bad idea probably. that and doing the stupid thing of trying to stalk. someone needs to take my computer away from me or something.. i'm kinda glad he blocked me first, but at the same time more seeds of doubt is raised. was the reason i was let go because he had reconnected with the past? saw a future in someone else and decided effort to stay in touch with me a waste of energy? i am so close to breaking no contact so many times today.. it doesn't help to see that his profile picture on kakao has been changed. does that mean something at all? i'm still crazy attracted to him. the veil hasn't been lifted yet, and it's killing me. just to stroke my ego a bit, i've restarted tinder, and it's just clusterfuck to me. it's nice knowing people find me attractive, and i can give chance to other guys, so why do i keep falling for the wrong ones? as my mother chastises, i always go for the "bad" boys. so what? i can't help who i find attracted to... 

do i go back on okc and see if he's updated his profile? i put a block on chrome for a reason, but curiosity is killing me... no, don't you dare. you'll be upset for reasons you all know so well. 

this is all so fucked up. writing out everything i feel is good, but by doing so i'm constantly revisiting why i feel this way. 

something keeps telling me i'm making a mistake of letting me walk away like this.. but i wasn't the dumper. i didn't make the decision to end the relationship.. however, i allowed it. what if i had put my foot down and said no? how dare you make your mind without my input? but he was already checking himself out. had regrets trying to start a relationship when he clearly knew i was falling.. it's been three weeks (not that i'm counting).. 

ah, what am i even trying to do?