sometimes, overwhelming emotions can just make me the worst kind of person.

i only have about 20 minutes before meeting up with a friend for gym so i'll keep it short and simple.

i love my family with all my heart; even the ones who have wronged me and my family - this subdued feeling of familiar love is mostly reserved for my family on the dad's side. the lack of direct contact with them dude to large age differences and distances have annulled any true feeling of hate but merely garner a slight indifference.

my mom's side on the other hand, has always been more close, both in proximity and in interaction. we have celebrated many holidays and other events that calls for gathering of family members. in the past couple of decades i've been alive, all family gathering had the grandparents, most of the adults, and all 10 grandkids. now a days, the youngest of us is in college and the oldest is looking forward to her second child.

right now, everyone in the family is facing some kind of crisis: my older uncle's had some financial difficulties tied in with two of this kids not being the model korean success story, my aunt has gone through some terrible marital and financial situations, and us.. well, we're just hanging onto our happiness by a thread, and last my younger uncle's family is constantly walking on eggshells about aunt's fight with breast cancer. oh, and the kicker? my grandparents are going through severe health deterioation: my grandma with Alzheimer's and my grandpa with his diabetes and worsening leg control.

somehow i don't feel like i should even step outside of the house without any true purpose ie. trips with friends to vegas, camping, conventions etc. i don't go out much now a days and have been very selective about keeping contacts with people. i'm also at a pretty low point in my life, stuck here with low confidence about the future and how i'm even going to get through it all. this is just my excuse on why i haven't been visiting SD or actively participating in event planning.

last night my aunt, mom's sister, who is living with me had one of the worst screaming match with my cousin. at my house, not to mention. it started rather spontaneously, but the spark had been culminating for days now. in ended about 50 minutes later with both my cousin and me crying, my cousin's friend rather bewildered, and my aunt in fuming anger. least to say it was very ugly. i'm sure the neighbors could hear every word vibrating through the walls and out the garage. this was after a feel good early birthday dinner for the said cousin, no less. it comes down to this: things just don't feel the same. why are we even doing all these events when everyone knows nothing's the same anymore, and nothing has the same feel of joy and happiness? why do we sit around pretending nothing is wrong when EVERYTHING is wrong? the tension is everywhere and just a small spark is all we need to start the fight. everyone's stressed about each other's business, and apparently i'm becoming the representative to my own nuclear family. mom and dad decided to skimp out of the drama first handedly by going back to korea for god knows how long.. and all this drama and responsibilities keep knocking on my front door.

and yet, i feel guilty for feeling stressed. guilty for complaining, guilty for feeling the way i do because when it comes down to it, i'm still in a better position compared to a lot of other people....

this isn't really a complaint, or a cry for attention or even pity. i just needed to write down what's been in my head and kind of fill you guys in why i've been so distant if anyone's even noticed. it just needed to be said, and will be deleted depending how i see fit.

anyways, i need to head out.

peace.