what's in a name?

i notice a trend in my blogging; if there is nothing bothering me then the frequency of my updates decrease significantly.. i noticed this when i was younger and had kept a diary. the date on it kept getting further and further apart until i was writing about one entry a month. this continued on into high school when i discovered online journals and i discontinued using a tangible journal altogether..
well that's a lie since i've kept one here and there just to rant about how emo i was and blah blah. it never went further than about.. 5 entries? and of course those entries never even had the chance to exist longer than a year since i'd rip the pages out and burn them. i was a.. well, not was, but still am a freak when it comes to the documentation of my idiocy.

i assume my apathy towards any insight in life is due to my lingering elation from spring break. the complete absence of my problems from sd had allowed me to become so.. oblivious to how uneasy this darn place makes me feel. being back has made me feel so very lost despite my familiarity of the school and city.. my sister mentioned how she'd feel very scared once she makes the transition from high school to college (pfft, she has time) and asked me how scared i had been on the first day. of course, i was completely lost on the first day.. my mom joked how i was so clueless on what to do during orientation but now i was able to give tours around the campus. she then added how i'm oh so good at being a survivor and quick to adapt.

i wonder how much of that fearless part of me had died in the past.. years.

that aside.

my attitude towards school and to taiko has been less than spectacular. i'm sure people have noticed and i apologize for it. it haven't been exactly pleasant to work with and i know myself that i have been a bit of a delinquent. sorry.
with practice.. a lot of the reason i have a tendency to have shifty eyes is because i'm not exactly comfortable with the song yet, and with eye contacts. i know i'm supposed to face forward and play instead of dragging my gaze on the drum or the ground.. but i can't help it. eye contacts always make me feel really uneasy even with people i'm comfortable with. i feel like i'm under extreme scrutiny when i'm staring at someone's eyes especially if they are some kind of authority figure. i guess i get intimidated easily? maybe it's a culture thing- you're not really allowed to look into an adults eyes cus it's considered very rude, and i've had pretty strict adults around me.. it's not a thing i'm proud of.. cus seriously? i HAVE been performing for years now. i've been in choir for number of years and i'm not new to the stage scenes.. but perhaps i'm losing it?

my left arm feels odd. i think it's been twitching every once in awhile. i blame it on the lack of warm ups. oh well, i live with the consequences i guess.

goddamnit, i am forgetting the original purpose of this entry.
i had this interesting thought process in my head regarding my name(s) while walking back from school.. but now that i think about it, it sounds silly and trivial. well, of course it is. it's bat shit silly to start discussing one's name out of nowhere. however i gotta admit that the short walk from the shuttle stop back to the house is a good opportunity to think about random things.. which leads me back to the start of this darn rant. i'm probably not going to get into it since i've had explained to multiple people about the reasons behind my lack of reference to my real name. blah blah blah.

my goodness hibernation sounds so appealing...