roller coasting

hormones have come and gone, yet the effects are still in place.. it seems.

it's been a huge roller coaster of emotions today.
last night i ended up taking way too much caffeine and was tossing and turning til 2:40.. which caused me to oversleep and miss section this morning.. well, the extra 2 hours of sleep was nice indeed.. the weather today was exceptionally hot, and it made me NOT want to do anything physically exhausting at all. too bad i was all over the campus running errands in that blistering heat.. and i had also conveniently forgotten to put on sunscreen so i had to walk around without my sunglasses on to ensure that i don't end up with panda tan again.

good thing the library exists.

i ended up spending about 4 hours there to read for philosophy, and getting a bit of relief from the rising heat. then came the chills. who knew that the full blast of AC could be so darn freezing after 2 hours?

when i'm left to my own devices, then i end up thinking too hard on issues of the past. i always regret my actions, my words and wish that i could've done it better somehow. so many of the decisions i have made had left me with more regrets and bad memories than good. this freakin' goes back to high school.. involving what i should've done to better myself, issues with friends, love life, family, academia.. the likes. i can make a list of things i wish i never did, or i did. it'll be really long.. and in college, i vowed to change, to become someone radically difference since the majority would not know me from the beginning. this became a conflict because once i came home i was still the same person i was to my family and friends, but once i got back to school i was trying to present myself as someone else. the facade i've put on has been a strong front for a while, and it broke.. and i wish i hadn't been weak enough to succumb to such pressure. as much as i hate hearing people say that i shouldn't dwell on the past because, hell, it has passed on. but in a rare chance that some concept of time travel is realized, then i'd be on a journey to undo my shameful moments in a heart beat. i would've said a big fat NO and learn to move on that night of freshman year, and stopped everything. oh, the things i could've done! i would've done better in classes, perhaps join another club, make more friends, actually change for the better! i would not have been the pathetic heroine to a sloppy teen drama who falls to her knees at every moment and sob uncontrollably because she can't do anything with her power. even be the bad ass, with a i-will-fuck-you-up-attitude for my oppositions all the while being the strong supporter to my friends. instead, i'm still stuck being the socially awkward coward with no guts to stand up to anything. i have nothing to show- my grades are terrible, i'm homely to a point it hurts, and i lack the motivation to initiate amazing feats. watching my resume being torn apart on several occasion and the lack of experience made me feel oh so ashamed of myself, and the fact that i have no guiding path to the future made me wonder why i even bother trying with anything anymore.

granted being with friends and conversing with them during meal times and my study break was the eye of the storm that was my day, i can't seem to get the hell away from torrential downpour of what if's.

가끔씩 21년 짧은 나의 인생에, 나의 존제가 너무나 무능력 하다는 사실을 알게 된다. 공부도 제대로 하나, 친구나 좋은 놈 사귀나.. 인간으로서 무슨 일을 해냈나? 이런 생각은 날 꼭 좌절하게 한다. 그러면 난 언제나 널 떠올린다.
분명 나의 백마 탄 왕자님도 아닌, 대학교도 끝내지 아는, 나를 내팽겨친 그럼 나쁜 너가 떠오르는 이유는? 혹시 난 너가 날 구출하려 올거라는 망상을 하고 있나? 지금까지 살아오면서 너만큼 내가 재대로 해온 짓이 없었다고 생각해서 일지도 모른다. 내 잘못이였지. 내가 너무 빠른 결론에 이르렀고 다른 사람에 대한 생각도 짧았지.. 정말.. 그냥 다시 친구로 돌아갈수 있으면 좋겠다... 고 생각할때가 있지만... 나로서 알고 싶은 것은, 내가 만약에 그 녀석에 'rebound가 아니였음이' 다
말대로는 아니였다 들었지만, 다른 여자들 보다 제일 짧은 인연을 가졌던 나로서 이 모든것을 그냥 넘겨 버리기가 힘들다.. 난 분명 '그 전 여자를 잊지 못한 그녀석의 심심풀이 땅콩이였던 그런 여자'.. 란 모욕을 짊어 지고 살야 할지도...

somethings are better left unsaid.