first off...
i'm sorry i'm being a selfish bitch to everyone. i don't exactly know why i'm acting like this or the say the things i say. i know for sure that i'll regret the instance i do/say it, but the impulse takes over and it's uncontrollable.... and if it's not the aggression, it's my constant need for isolation.when this happens then i just run away from everyone who bothers me. this means i ignore phone calls, and i won't return voice messages and sulk in my bed all day. the closest to me are mostly affected (friends, then family, then acquaintances in that order) 어리광 부린다... i'm being selfish and being childish by doing this... this is a cue for people say 'you know, talk it out..' but i'm done talking it out. i'm sick of annoying other people with my pity cry story... all i need from my friends and family is their support, which i do get.. so gone are my verbal expectoration.. but instead i just complain with my finger tips.. thus the angsty and emo entries that repeat the same shit over and over again.
what makes me feel bad is that when i'm being nice to someone i can't tell whether i was genuinely nice or that i'm trying to compensate for being a bitch....
bah.
so yes, much apologies to a friend of mine...
also, goodbye to a missed opportunity that i stubbornly refused to let in.
granted it was good for the people involved, but i'm not ready to please someone with needs somewhat greater than mine. what i've come to realize is that i crave the emotion and passion rather than to satisfaction of physical contact. but still, the fact that it's... over didn't really hit me til i got off the phone with him after practice... this is probably better...
what's with me anyways.. why couldn't i just allow myself to like him??? this would've had a happy ending for once...
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